Tagged: depression

When the Well is Empty

Time to be open and honest. We talk about mental health a lot, and the openness to the conversation is getting better. Slowly it is getting better. I’m going to share some of my own struggles.

If you are not familiar with Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator it divides people into 16 personality types. Two to five percent of people fall into the category of ENFJ. I am one of those. These people are warm, outgoing, loyal and sensitive. 

  • Extraversion
  • Intuition
  • Feeling
  • Judging

Common Characteristics

  • Prefer harmony to discord
  • Outgoing and Warm Hearted
  • Genuinely interested in the feelings of others
  • Often have a diverse range of friends and acquaintances
  • Great at supporting and encouraging others
  • Excellent Organizers
  • Seek approval from other people

ENFJ people also derive personal satisfaction from helping others. They are givers.

I am a giver. I LOVE helping other people. I like making life easier for other people by removing barriers to their success and clearing the path for them. I like to help them to find ways to explore and develop their passion. I like going out of my way to help other people. It makes me happy.

But there’s a problem. People who are continually giving, can run out of ‘give’. When you can’t give the things that you normally would, it becomes an inward struggle. However, the lack of ability to share these things doesn’t manifest the way you would intuitively think. They aren’t outward manifestations, they are inward. Not being able to care doesn’t become apathy, it manifests as sadness/depression. When you are not able to love, it feels like emptiness. The inability to be generous with time or resources isn’t displayed outwardly as stinginess, it is an inward feeling of desperation.

You do your best to outwardly display who you normally are, but inwardly you are struggling to find the resources to be that person.

I have had this happen a few times in my life, and generally the bouts have been very short term. Within a few days, the well is replenished. The past few months have been tougher than that. I’ve had more of those days. So what to do?

You keep going, you keep giving in whatever capacity you can. But you also take time. You have to replenish the resources, but you have to realize that there aren’t as many resources to give. You do the best you can with what you have. But there’s one more very important thing you have to do.

Talk! Let at least a few bucketpeople know that you are struggling. Be honest about your inability to give as much as you normally give. Let the emotions live. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to feel empty; it’s not okay to have these feelings and never speak of them. That will only make things worse.

The well can’t refill itself immediately. It takes time. I know that I will have more time in July. I can make it until then by finding time and activities that will help refill the tank; the gym, time with friends and loved ones, time with myself, taking photos, going for walks, allowing others to take up a bit of the slack when I can’t (I have many amazing colleagues who are so capable), and talking about it.

Yes, the well is pretty much empty. I admit it.

DP